What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 13:19
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im still living with it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It was going to be , some day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why did i forgive my father ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)